Little sad, decisions, future....

I know I meant for this to be a daily blog...

The husband has been gone training again. It seems like he's always gone. It seems like I'm always alone. Sure, the kids are here, but I still feel always alone. At night I go to bed by myself, in the morning I wake up by myself, I take care of the kids by myself, I eat dinner by myself, and then at night I go to bed by myself and in the morning I start my day all over again. Elizabeth is 4 1/2 months old and he has only been around for half of her life so far. He's missed her smiling, playing, laughing... I think Claire is use to him always being gone. This past time the first few days she refused to eat dinner at the table and asked for dadda the whole time. Now she is once again use to him being gone. For me, I'm exhausted again. Emotionally, I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I think about is this what I have to look forward to for the next 20 years? Being alone? Raising the kids by myself? Physically, I am exhausted. I don't get "sick days". I don't get breaks. Days that I wake up with stomach pains and throwing up, I still have two children to care for by myself. Days when I'm so tired I can barely stay awake, I still have two kids to take care of. When Claire is being bad, or up my butt, I don't get to step out of the house to take a break from her. When I need to grocery shop it's always lugging both kids. Lugging Elizabeth in her carseat into the store and Claire into the cart seat. Then trying to quickly grocery shop before Elizabeth gets cranky in her carseat or Claire causes too much havoc.

Soon we have to decide where we want to go next, whether he will stay in the Marine Corps, what job he wants to do, etc... It's such a tough decision. It's deciding between whether he continues to be away from me and the children, whether he continues to miss out on the children's lives, his safety, and so on....

I just don't know. I just know that right now I'm tired of always being alone.

I'm tired. I'm alone. I miss my husband.